There goes the good summer.

Well, I know I've been moving forward this long, pretending not to care, and its nice to know that I can slowly let go of everything. But today, I know there's still something that has to be cleared. In case to really leave everything behind. 

You know, its good to know that you're having a best friend. A friend you can always count on. A friend who's gonna be there in your lowest even highest. A friend that you can go out with anytime even anywhere you want. A friend that supports you through everything. You can be yourself, you get your self-confident 'cause you are both actually encouraging each other, you feel safe, you get the ease, you can't stop laughing over your both lameness, you can't wait for any holiday to have fun sleepover and those teen's thingy. You feel happy. But for me, that was just more likely like summer. It felt beyond fun yet it only lasted for some months. 

Its not about how time flies, and changes everyone, everything. Its about the people. The people who couldn't bear any longer for the heartache and wounds. Here I make it clear, that it was definitely NOT only a person who hurt the most, hurt like hell. When society were so damn busy collecting hoaxes to make them more stupid (+to make the condition got even worse), that another one cried. Finding out what she thought was okay, was in total mess. And she got lost. Nobody noticed. 

She took the wrong step --- fuck life doesn't come with instructions --- and all she needed was a help. And everyone was totally helping her to get more stupid. They actually knew whats the right thing to do but still they pushed her into the wrong one. But its okay. Day by day, she's getting realized that it ain't that bad. At least she tried her best to make it all better even with the pieces of shit scattered around. 

She thought that if there was a right thing to do, the only thing she could do was apologizing. Probably the pains were too awful that nobody would mind hearing her. That with very very sorry, she was rejected at a very first step. She looked for a help but all she got was shit 'cause everything had been ended already and they better took care of their own life, just acted like they didn't know each other anymore. She followed the words. She might tired of being ignored somehow. She gave up.

...So, there's probably no any words of apologize coming out from her mouth, right in front of the one who want to hear it most. 

But still, she's blamed. By everyone. Even those who don't know at all. 

Very funny. At it used to.

And I guess, as I finish typing these words, I know this is gonna be the last time I talk about that good summer. Its just a perfect pictures of laughter and fun that are gonna live in the deepest corners of my memory. They're only supposed to be remembered, not cried over. 

A directly apologize will end everything and I hope everyone is happy.

There goes the good summer, there goes away...

Bringing back the old habits.

Kapan terakhir kali baca buku?
Okay to be honest, aku udah lupa. Tapi sih kayaknya terakhir baca bukunya Ika Natassa yang Antologi Rasa.

Entah sejak kapan aku mulai out of the track gini, padahal hobi baca buku tuh hobi dari kecil. Buku apa aja deh. Mulai dari komik, novel, sejarah, ilmu pengetahuan, atau bahkan kumpulan puisi. Aku inget banget dulu waktu SD sempet suka banget baca buku ber-genre horor well for the example is Kuntilanak. See, serem ya gue kecil..
Tapi sekarang rasanya selalu nggak pernah dapet mood buat baca buku. Sekalinya baca juga cepet banget bosennya di awal. Entah itu emang karena bukunya yang jelek atau mood akunya yang udah menguap.. Entahlah gue juga gak ngerti. Yang jelas this is sort of disaster karena efek dari ga pernah baca buku itu mulai kerasa akhir-akhir ini.

Ya, aku jadi susah nginget sesuatu/kejadian atau apapun itu. Padahal untuk hal yang baru kejadian beberapa jam yang lalu aja detailnya aku udah lupa. Beda banget sama dulu yang sampe beberapa hari aja masih bisa nyeritain sebuah kejadian secara detail. Makanya sekarang post-nya beda banget sama dulu yang suka cerita-cerita tentang kejadian sehari-hari. Boro-boro mau cerita, ada kejadian se-lucu dan unik apapun aja udah ilang dari memori kecuali kalo diingetin. Jadi, gue mulai berpikir apakah gue akan mengidap sort of amnesia atau alzheimer gitu... Amit-amit deh. :|
Dan, efek selain susah inget ya aku jadi lack a lot of knowledge begini. Kosa kata juga makin berkurang; hampir drastis. Akibatnya tulisanku makin hari bukannya makin berkembang tapi makin kacau, balau. Hobi nulis yang dulu bahkan tiap hari itu, sekarang juga udah tergantiin dengan hobi tidur dan nongkrong-nongkrong di Cafe sama temen-temen. Word jadi jarang kebuka, paling-paling juga kalo ada tugas. Laptop ya cuma buat browsing dan dengerin lagu. Udah, gitu aja. Sedih banget rasanya. Padahal kalo untuk waktu aja pasti dapetnya. Since I'm not that kind of busy. Sibuk apa coba, paling sibuk main. Hah.

I don't know why but I feel like losing my own self.

Mungkin karena jaman yang udah berubah, atau umur yang udah bertambah, atau masalah-masalah yang berceceran, dan hidup yang makin lucu. Iya, lucu. Hidup tanpa tujuan emang selalu lucu kan?

Kan, jadi galau jurusan lagi, kan.

Oke lanjut lagi.
Akhirnya aku nemuin suatu tweet yang bilang kalo salah satu cara najemin ingetan ya dengan membaca. Dan, langsung aja aku bbm temen minjem buku apa aja sebanyak-banyaknya. Dipikir-pikir juga aku udah lupa kapan terakhir kali ke toko buku buat nyari buku. Ke toko buku ya buat stationary-nya. Parah ya. -_-

So, next week's probably gonna be a week of books.
Xo.

Sadranan Beach of Yogyakarta.

Hi. I just got confused by how to make a polite opening words since I couldn't use that "its been too long for me blablabla" it just made me wanting to punch myself on the face.

Life could be so boring sometimes and I was at my highest point of the boredom, all I'd very like to do was escaping, a little bit away. From the crowd. From people. From every used-to thing that almost drove me insane.

So, there I went on April, 18th 2013. Accompanied by him, had a sort of touring to Sadranan Beach. A very beautiful beach that's gonna impress people at the very first sight. Moreover its still a quite beach, well, there were only about 4 ones when we got there. It was clean, indeed. And it could give us chill either serenity that we had been looking for.

We took some pictures for about minutes but then slowly came the drizzles so we decided to look for a shelter and sat there for hours. But we could still stare at a perfect great being in front of us.
The conversations flowed. From the unimportant until significant things that happened around us. We were also wondering how could we went this far, through all of the impossibilities. And we called it destiny.

It was about 7 p.m. and it was still drizzling but we decided to get home. I actually felt sad about the rain but I could feel the bliss still. Although I got iced all the way home but its okay, I felt so much happier that day.

And I hoped that I could go there again someday, still with the same one.
Xoxo.

A Heart's Dispute.

Its when you feel like hating someone so much and you've probably already prepared for the harsh words or anything painful to do 'cause all you know is that he is the reason of every changes in your life, changes you don't wish to be happened, but right when you're about to blow up, your eyes meet his and all of the hate is turning back to you 'cause you see sincerity, and all of struggles he's been through. He has fought for you that much. And eyes never lie.

Tonight, I drove alone for buying a case for my wrench iPod and memory card. I didn't understand how life could be so funny sometimes that I met my best friend there. We talked a few then he left for another store. That was actually an awkward conversation for a best friend that had been passing through couldn't-be-said-few things. Its okay then I got my case and I headed to McDonalds. Its my first time of being loner there but strangely I didn't feel so much insecure even though I had to sit next to a couple and group of hilarious playmates or even big family. I was there for hours till I decided to get back to my tiny crib and did something like... Walking upstairs with earphones on, up to rooftop. Here goes the appeasement.

It might sound so damn melancholic or those pathetic thingy but that is why I love this place. Up there, I got my serenity back. Up there, I always found the pieces of the old blurred stories back (well, this is what irritates the most). Up there, I didn't know why but I felt better.

And up there, always made me realizing that life had changed that way far. My life had changed, totally changed.

There was always a little girl with her long sort of brunette hair, a very cheerful one I had ever met who could be as terrifying as you-could-never-imagine but all that I know that she was a very tough girl, and stunning. I couldn't count how many times I had spent to have hours conversation with her. But I really never got tired. Having a conversation about your daily routines or everything that happened that entire day with her always put me on a good mood. I felt comfortable cause we listened to each others, we really shared everything.
But then she had to go on with her new life. But to be honest, I really am happy for her. Cause I bet she had found her happiness with being around people she loved. However, I miss her so much.

And there was also a girl with her black frame glasses who always came up at my door, got in without asking for my permission, slept on my bed, screwed up my dressing table and messed my room but I love her. Even until now.
Funniest girl I had ever met, a girl that indirectly taught me how to live, an easy going one you could count on, the loyal one, a partner in crime, a partner in daydreaming, we even hated the same people.. Until I screwed everything up.
She had gone. Way too far.

I don't understand life. I don't get its cycle. How strangers can be friends then close friends then back to strangers again. And how things you thought impossible to happen, how things you never thought you'd witness, shifty came into your life one by one and wracked you down. You made wrong decisions, you took wrong step, you got lost.
That was the darkest of your life and you tried to gather the rests and you sewed up your wound, all alone.

I just realized that the changes are too much. And I always hate this part when I can only save the wounds for myself, and end up wreaking all the angers to myself, on him. I treat him wrong, I know.
But these are all the wounds I gotta face, I am not yet tough enough. I might lose my sanity to say that seeing him in a suffer gives me a little serenity, but also an inconvenient on the other side.
I guess these are how the healing works.
However, I love him. For all of the patience. For all of the love.
Although I hate it, but I still want to see him fighting for me.
I love him. I don't lie.

And, I know its all my faults. I'm not supposed to blame anyone but myself. If only I could fix everything, in case that apologizing ain't ever enough.

"..So tell me, so tell me why, why does it have to be this way?

why cant things ever change?"

New Pet

Hi, I write again.

I guessed I would get a lot of spare time to write but in fact I found it hard to find a time. While I didn't feel like I had done so much for myself lately; school, courses, staying on a bed for hours doing nothing, and another sort of useless activities.

But its okay now I'm going to tell you about my new pet! Yeah, like really. Its a fish since I'm still hating on every kind of animals and fish is the only exception.
I bought it on March 10th accompanied by my boyfriend. On a very, very hot Sunday noon. But it was all paid off at last by the coming of new two 'creatures' in my tiny crib:

That was their first time of being in my tiny crib and they kept being so awkward for not swimming around. They stayed like that for hours :|

I love those face looks =))

..And on the next day, they already got so hyperactive.

They eat a lot anyway I just can't stand to see it yet they still look cute and funny. They like to play with sort-of-gravels, every night. Yea I wonder what do they do there and I wish they would't do such a battle or anything criminal...
By the way, their name are Bonbon (the black one) and Rangy (orange one). Ya I knew I got lack of ideas but its cute :p

Enough for my new pet. See ya on the next post, ciao!

That 2 Things.

Entah bagaimana waktu menggerakkan kakinya untuk berlari, atau bahkan telah mengepakkan sayapnya untuk lebih cepat melahap hari, saya benar-benar sudah lupa kapan terakhir kali saya melakukan rutinitas sehari-hari saya dulu; menulis. Entah hanya sederet kata-kata random di halaman paling belakang buku tulis atau di memo hp, apalagi kalimat-kalimat imajiner yang terketik rapi di laptop. Tidak selalu masalah waktu, karena ketika saya duduk di depan laptop dan bahkan jari-jari saya sudah siap untuk memainkan keyboard, semua kata-kata yang terlalu banyak & lama mengendap di dalam otak tiba-tiba menguap begitu saja. Menghilang. Ya, selalu seperti itu.

Dan siang ini, saat ini juga, ingatan saya sedang memutar berbagai kejadian yang telah saya lalui selama ini, termasuk hobi menulis dan membaca yang dulu sempat membuat saya melupakan tugas untuk menjadi siswa yang baik. Termasuk bagaimana saya bersikeras untuk pergi melanjutkan hidup; yang akhir-akhir ini baru saya sadari bahwa kepergian saya selama ini hanya tidak lebih dari melarikan diri. Termasuk bagaimana cara saya beradaptasi dan bertahan yang membutuhkan waktu begitu lama; hampir 1 tahun. Termasuk bagaimana saya mulai mengenal berbagai hal-hal baru dengan cara saya sendiri. 

Namun yang paling mendominasi dengan durasi paling lama adalah ingatan tentang kejadian akhir-akhir ini yang membuat saya begitu lelah. Dan terkadang terlalu lelah.

"Kalau ada hal yang tidak berubah di dunia ini hanyalah satu, yaitu perubahan itu sendiri." -unknown.

Semua hal akan berubah pada waktunya. Semuanya.

Dan, semua itu kembali pada diri kita sendiri untuk memilih; diam dan ikut kemana saja arus perubahan itu membawa kita, atau tetap bersikeras membuat segalanya untuk 'terlihat' tidak ada yang berubah.

Dan, saya sudah pernah merasakan bagaimana rasanya tetap bersikeras membuat segalanya untuk 'terlihat' tidak ada yang berubah, yang sebenarnya saya sendiri tau betul bahwa pada akhirnya juga saya akan kembali pada opsi pertama; diam dan mengikuti alur. Karena ada beberapa hal dalam hidup yang memang harus berubah.

Pada suatu hari saya menemukan seseorang yang saya kenal baik dan cukup lama tiba-tiba berubah menjadi sedikit angkuh dan bahkan tidak sempat untuk menatap mata saya ketika kami berpapasan, lalu di kemudian hari saya mendapati beberapa teman saya yang juga mengenalnya sama seperti saya, membicarakan perubahannya tersebut. Lalu setan-setan dalam kepala saya berteriak, mendorong saya untuk ikut membicarakan hal yang sebenarnya sudah terlalu klise dan tidak perlu untuk dijadikan topik pembicaraan lagi. Bodoh, saya yang bodoh. Saya bahkan selalu lupa bahwa memang sudah sepantasnya begitu; akan selalu ada perubahan. Selalu. Dan, kita tidak pernah berhak untuk mengusik perubahan orang lain, karena setiap orang punya caranya masing-masing.

..Karena perubahan adalah salah satu bagian dari pendewasaan. Dimana kita mendapatkan beberapa hal buruk untuk dijadikan pelajaran. Dimana kita dituntut untuk bersifat lebih dewasa dan tidak terburu-buru.

...

Kembali ke film berisi potongan kejadian-kejadian di hidup saya; bagian-bagian terakhir, yang merupakan kejadian yang terjadi akhir-akhir ini, adalah bagian dimana saya merasa waktu benar-benar telah menggunakan sayapnya.

Dan yang saya sendiri tidak habis pikir adalah entah permainan apa yang Tuhan berikan untuk saya, karena segala hal bisa saja berubah 180 derajat bahkan dalam waktu kurang dari 24 jam.

Kehilangan dan kedatangan. Kehilangan dan kedatangan. Kehilangan dan kedatangan. Selalu seperti itu, dan dalam waktu yang terlalu singkat.

Bukannya apa-apa, namun saya memang sudah sering kehilangan. Dan walaupun begitu, saya tau, akan selalu ada rasa sakit setiap kenangan tentang apa yang hilang itu muncul kembali ke permukaan. Menyedihkan memang.

Apalagi jika sudah menyangkut kehilangan seseorang.

Apalagi jika seseorang itu adalah seseorang yang biasanya tidak pernah absen untuk mencetak kenangan.

Apalagi jika seseorang itu adalah seseorang yang diam-diam sudah kamu sisakan tempat untuk harapan.

Apalagi jika seseorang itu adalah seseorang yang biasanya merelakan satu kakinya untukmu ketika kakimu pincang, lalu kalian akan berjalan bersama-sama.

Apalagi jika seseorang itu adalah seseorang yang seharusnya menjadi rumahmu; yang kapan saja kamu ingin, kamu bisa selalu pulang kepadanya.

Apalagi jika seseorang itu adalah seseorang yang kamu pikir bisa memahamimu. Mengerti.

Akan selalu ada hal yang berubah. Akan selalu ada hal untuk disesali. Untuk itu, saya akan memeluk apa saja yang saya miliki saat ini. Tidak usah terlalu erat, namun tidak begitu longgarnya. Karena ketakutan saya untuk kembali kehilangan sudah terlalu besar.

Dan, siang ini, saya tau bahwa saya mempercayai teori satu-satunya hal yang konstan di dunia ini adalah perubahan. Dan saya mempercayai bahwa akan selalu ada kedatangan setelah kehilangan; walaupun kita tidak akan pernah mendapatkan hal yang sama.

Happy birthday, Arum.

Hello again, December 30th.

Time really flies. I don't even remember the time where I started to not be too afraid of lightning. I don't even remember the time I stopped acting like a boy. I don't even remember the time I started to use all those stuffs in my dressing table.
Yes, I'm having my birthday today and I know there are so many things to be thanked of for this amazing 16 years. So glad to wake up and you know you're still alive and you're surrounded by good peoples.

I can't say anything. I can't ask for more. I can't thank for more. A late night surprise. Cake. Flowers. Gifts. Laughter. Sighs. Drizzle. And the only word on my mind was "unforgettable".
Thank you so much for the late night surprise, Isan Della Edo Dio.

I woke up this morning and found the gift beside my bed. And I cried a lot. You may call it tears of happiness probably :")
A scrapped book. From the good boy I've ever known, Boris. Who's also the best friend of mine. I just didn't think that he'd like to waste his time for making that such a cute thing :"3

And I cried louder seeing the pictures, remembering all the memories and realized that everything has changed. If only I could turn back the time and fix all terrible things I've made.

Thanks for this really cute flat shoes Yaya Della Abel Icha <3

Thanks God. Thanks for sending those good peoples for me. Yaya, Boris, Della, Abel, Isan, Edo, Icha, Faya, Iyus, Cho... Thanks for coloring my 2012 with your own pen. Thanks for everything. Thanks a lot and I wish I wouldn't lose anything anymore.