29/01/14

A Night Sky.


I gazed the night sky. I flied this soullessly body up to the stars, fell hard into constellations. I discovered a world of serenity, though it was too cold. I felt strange, I constantly sobbed for myself. I yelled to the livings, yet to the deads. But I started loving it. I started loving the only close-to-good circusmtance. I knew I was all alone but I started to feel right. 
But now I decide to close my eyes instead of count every seconds that always lead to tomorrow; the day I'm most frightened of, yet the day I put my hope into even a bit. 
The sun rises. I never do. 
I walk against the wind wiping the leaves off. Some of them hit me hard, while I actually step over them, cause them to engulf a suffer. I hear them laugh by the time I make my steps a bit faster. I see them get watery.  
And,  a heart breaks into smithereens. 
A peculiar thing posesses me. Those gloomy clouds in this early morning sky, move toward me. As I finally make - I swear - unconsciously decision I'm sure I will regret it even the seconds after. I pick some of them up. I pick the watery ones.  
But I have never been so wrong, until the day they unbelievably bloom, and the day is today. Today, I feel like I don't require them much. I mean, those starry nights.  
They introduce me with a thing that's quite similar with the thing I once had  every night; a city light. I can't feel the ground. Like I've just consumed heroines, I am overjoyed. 
But do you know? 
It doesn't last not even for a day. I am now falling back against the ground. I am crashing down, and too devastated even just to stand up. I dont walk straight. I'm being pushed down to a maze that I'm pretty sure I can spend my whole life here just to break these flustering walls.  
But, guess what. Up there, is the night sky. Up there, is my favorite constellation.  
I might be so lost. But, at last, I will get back there. To the same point, to the same coldness, to the same - only a night, starry sky. 

28/05/13

Screwed.

I can comprehend that crying won't fix any things.
But what can a sixteen years old girl do with everything that arrives too early; a huge screwed life?

26/05/13

A Twilight.

goodbye, hello | via Tumblr

Its dusk. Its orange turning into bright red. Its darkening. It turned obscure yet your brown eyes looked clearer I just couldn't comprehend. You were spinning a yarn and I was being a good listener. I mocked. I laughed. I smiled. And so did you. 


Then we smiled again, but there was no more story, only quietness, and our similar brown eyes locked each other. 
An empty cup of milk tea and little pieces of Calzone with a tomato sauce on its wrapper. 

And I realized I had been that way exceedingly in love with you.

04/04/13

A Heart's Dispute.


Its when you feel like hating someone so much and you've probably already prepared for the harsh words or anything painful to do 'cause all you know is that he is the reason of every changes in your life, changes you don't wish to be happened, but right when you're about to blow up, your eyes meet his and all of the hate is turning back to you 'cause you see sincerity, and all of struggles he's been through. He has fought for you that much. And eyes never lie.


Tonight, I drove alone for buying a case for my wrench iPod and memory card. I didn't understand how life could be so funny sometimes that I met my best friend there. We talked a few then he left for another store. That was actually an awkward conversation for a best friend that had been passing through couldn't-be-said-few things. Its okay then I got my case and I headed to McDonalds. Its my first time of being loner there but strangely I didn't feel so much insecure even though I had to sit next to a couple and group of hilarious playmates or even big family. I was there for hours till I decided to get back to my tiny crib and did something like... Walking upstairs with earphones on, up to rooftop. Here goes the appeasement.

It might sound so damn melancholic or those pathetic thingy but that is why I love this place. Up there, I got my serenity back. Up there, I always found the pieces of the old blurred stories back (well, this is what irritates the most). Up there, I didn't know why but I felt better.

And up there, always made me realizing that life had changed that way far. My life had changed, totally changed.

There was always a little girl with her long sort of brunette hair, a very cheerful one I had ever met who could be as terrifying as you-could-never-imagine but all that I know that she was a very tough girl, and stunning. I couldn't count how many times I had spent to have hours conversation with her. But I really never got tired. Having a conversation about your daily routines or everything that happened that entire day with her always put me on a good mood. I felt comfortable cause we listened to each others, we really shared everything.
But then she had to go on with her new life. But to be honest, I really am happy for her. Cause I bet she had found her happiness with being around people she loved. However, I miss her so much.

And there was also a girl with her black frame glasses who always came up at my door, got in without asking for my permission, slept on my bed, screwed up my dressing table and messed my room but I love her. Even until now.
Funniest girl I had ever met, a girl that indirectly taught me how to live, an easy going one you could count on, the loyal one, a partner in crime, a partner in daydreaming, we even hated the same people.. Until I screwed everything up. 
She had gone. Way too far.

I don't understand life. I don't get its cycle. How strangers can be friends then close friends then back to strangers again. And how things you thought impossible to happen, how things you never thought you'd witness, shifty came into your life one by one and wracked you down. You made wrong decisions, you took wrong step, you got lost.
That was the darkest of your life and you tried to gather the rests and you sewed up your wound, all alone.

I just realized that the changes are too much. And I always hate this part when I can only save the wounds for myself, and end up wreaking all the angers to myself, on him. I treat him wrong, I know.
But these are all the wounds I gotta face, I am not yet tough enough. I might lose my sanity to say that seeing him in a suffer gives me a little serenity, but also an inconvenient on the other side. 
I guess these are how the healing works.
However, I love him. For all of the patience. For all of the love.
Although I hate it, but I still want to see him fighting for me.
I love him. I don't lie.

And, I know its all my faults. I'm not supposed to blame anyone but myself. If only I could fix everything, in case that apologizing ain't ever enough.

29/12/12

Happy birthday, Arum.

Hello again, December 30th.

Time really flies. I don't even remember the time where I started to not be too afraid of lightning. I don't even remember the time I stopped acting like a boy. I don't even remember the time I started to use all those stuffs in my dressing table.
Yes, I'm having my birthday today and I know there are so many things to be thanked of for this amazing 16 years. So glad to wake up and you know you're still alive and you're surrounded by good peoples.

I can't say anything. I can't ask for more. I can't thank for more. A late night surprise. Cake. Flowers. Gifts. Laughter. Sighs. Drizzle. And the only word on my mind was "unforgettable".
Thank you so much for the late night surprise, Isan Della Edo Dio.

I woke up this morning and found the gift beside my bed. And I cried a lot. You may call it tears of happiness probably :")
A scrapped book. From the good boy I've ever known, Boris. Who's also the best friend of mine. I just didn't think that he'd like to waste his time for making that such a cute thing :"3
And I cried louder seeing the pictures, remembering all the memories and realized that everything has changed. If only I could turn back the time and fix all terrible things I've made.
Thanks for this really cute flat shoes Yaya Della Abel Icha <3

Thanks God. Thanks for sending those good peoples for me. Yaya, Boris, Della, Abel, Isan, Edo, Icha, Faya, Iyus, Cho... Thanks for coloring my 2012 with your own pen. Thanks for everything. Thanks a lot and I wish I wouldn't lose anything anymore.

21/12/12

Solo!


Seneng. Seneng. Seneng.
Ya, seneng. Setelah sekian lama pengen kapan gitu jalan sama temen-temen ke luar kota, finally keturutan juga. Ya walaupun deket, yang penting keluar kota. Yg penting perjalanannya. Yg penting seru-seruan sama temen-temen. Iya, yg penting kebersamaannya :))

Sebenernya banyak kejadian lucu plus absurd yang selama kita di Solo, dan saking banyaknya nggak mungkin aku ceritain satu per satu disini.
Yang jelas sih, udah lari-larian di stasiun dan keretanya berangkat pas banget waktu kita nyampe, itu nyesekin bro. 

12/12/12

Little words

"This time last year, everything was so different..."

Hello again, December. 
Well its a very late post obviously, just wanna say I'm so glad to be met up with this month of mine again. 
And yes, hello rainy days. I'm ready to be pissed, either pleased.

Its december again and everything turns out to be so damn different. Everything has changed. Everything. I dont even realize the progress of change.
People come and go.

...And I'm starting not to give any damn, anymore. Let it flow. 'Cause my happiness ain't theirs to be taken care of.